Our Researching the Obvious Awards to: These Guys

 

To paraphrase late physicist and television celebrity, Carl Sagan, "Billions of dollars, Pounds, and Euros" are spent on research each year, leading to amazing breakthroughs in medicine, physics, mathematics, chemistry, computer science, and sarcasm.

 
This week's research in review:
Researchers at two renowned American medical research institutes announced this week that "vitamin D levels in the U.S. population peak in August and bottom out in February." 
 
Really.  Who'd a thunk? 

I'm guessing their next project is to determine if there is a similar pattern south of the equator. Or, perhaps east of the equator.  West?
 
Their conclusions include the statement:  "The essential vitamin -- necessary for healthy bones -- is produced in the skin upon exposure to ultraviolet B rays from the sun."  I am, personally, shocked at this revelation. 
 

Admittedly about 30% of the world's population of adults are complete dolts (see illustration above), based on earlier research by scientists at one of the very same institutions in the vitamin D study.  Now I wonder if the study on the proportion of dolts in society used the research community as the population they examined.
 
And in this vane, consider this research:

Emergency Helicopter Airlifts Help the Seriously Injured

Patients transferred to hospital via helicopter ambulance tend to have a higher survival rate than those who take the more traditional road route, despite having more severe injuries, suggesting that air ambulances are both effective and worthy of investment.  Notice their conclusion stated:  "Suggesting."  As in, "We're not sure, but maybe.  More costly research is needed to back this up."
 

Really?  I thought we worked this one out during the Korean War some sixty years ago. 
We might add, using over the road ambulances to transport the injured has a higher survival rate than making patients walk to the nearest care facility.

Wow, what will they think of to research next?  Well, how about:
 
Does Your Salad Know What Time It Is? 
Can you imagine a group of white-coated researchers peering diligently into a salad to see if the broccoli is wearing appropriate timepieces?  In fact, it appears they did, concluding that salad greens don't expire immediately when harvested, but rather slowly die en route to your green grocers.

Forrest Gump Mice?
Well, how about the researchers that developed "A line of genetically modified mice that scientists call "Forrest Gump" because, like the movie character, they can run far but they aren't smart."  No, in fact, they sit on little benches next to their exercise wheels holding little boxes of chocolates, advising normal mice that "life is like a box of. . . "

Why are Most Seagull Chicks Killed on Sundays?
This one made my brain hurt:  A study from Europe conducted between 1973 and 2006 researched "Why are seagull chicks murdered, especially on Sundays?" 

To quote our Latinate motto, "WTF?"

Shades of Tom Lehrer's "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park."

These are real conclusions from real, publicly funded research projects from around the world published this past week, which leads us to the conclusion that, yes, Virginia, there are dolts everywhere you look.

And I'm going to the pub across the street to have a high ball.  Or two.  Help me calm down. 

Jacomus

Resident Scribe

The International Guild of Satirists, etc.

Llandudno, Wales, UK